fussypants

Five Ways to be Unhappy

Five Ways to be Unhappy

1) Consider yourself deep and intellectual. Snort and scoff at anyone who seems cheery and fun-loving. Tell yourself that you are oh-so pleased not to lead such a vapid and superficial existance. Spend enormous time intellectually navel-gazing.

2) Surround yourself with negative energy suckers like-minded friends who will be quick to comiserate with you about: the horrid state of the world, go over the latest tin-foil-hat-loving conspiracy theories, and a whole list of irrational fears - like Ebola, SARS, dirty-bomb attacks, and random crime sprees. Be sure to focus in on things that are completely out of your control.

3) Avoid physical activity like the plague. Disregard the vast amount of research that proves exercise is as effective a mood regulator as medication and therapy. When at home, keep your bottom firmly planted on the couch and watch hours and hours of  TV everynight. By doing this you will effectivly avoid two happiness producing activities -exercise (those stinkin' endorphins), and the joy of human interaction.

4) Arrange your social life in one of two ways - Avoidant or Overscheduled. If you choose the avoidant route, be sure to let people know that you "detest crowds" and cancel plans often. Be sure to never answer your phone, then complain that no one ever calls.

If you choose the Overscheduled route, you will need to practice the art of the "Self-Sacrificing Martyr". Say yes to every invitation, request, or favor -despite your desire or ability. This is especially easy to do at Christmas. Exchange gifts with everyone you don't even like you know, throw lavish Christmas parties, and never-ever think about the credit card debt that is growing by the moment.

The way to top off the busy "self-sacrificing martyr" routine is to then brag/complain to anyone who will listen about how hard you work, how tired you are, and just how popular you are! People will loathe you love to hear all about it.

5) Live life with the belief that total and constant venting is the only healthy way to live. Whenever anything annoys you, focus in on it, ruminate over every last detail, and then tell anyone and everyone all about it. When you feel angry just let it all hang out.

   

Get every last feeling and thought off your chest despite the long term damage it may cause. Cite research that states that bottled up feelings are unhealthy. Never realize that healthy sharing of feelings and selfish, hurtful venting are very different things.

Follow these five easy steps and enjoy the fall out!

Love, Fussy

How to Ruin your Life~Pop Culture style

Pop Culture- handle with care. A tiny bit can be tasty, but too much is down right poisonous! Let's take a look at some of Pop Culture's messages that, if believed, can easily ruin your life!

How to Ruin your Life in 3 Easy Steps~ Pop Culture Style

1) More Money = More Happiness. Be sure to spend lots of time fantasizing about how much better life would be if you had more money. Picture your hair flying back gracefully as you drive that convertible Mercedes. How impressed the ladies at church will be when Hubs gets that matching stainless steel kitchen set. And, of course, how much better the kids will be when all their desires can be fulfilled.

In the mean time, there will be a huge disappointment with your real life. You will look at your own life with disdain and disappointment. Instead of feeling ashamed by your status, use the feeling to motivate Hubs.

Start a constant refrain of motivational talks with Hubs. Tell him of your feelings of disappointment of how he provides for the family. After enough time, he will either get a second job, start selling crack, or file divorce papers. Either way, it is most important to share all of your feelings. Embrace your truth!

2) Being More Beautiful = More Happiness. Don't just Fight the Frump, go on an all out beauty transformation. When you get out of the shower, go over every flaw as you dress. Develop an unnatural obsession with the shape, texture and feel of your thighs. Know in your heart that if you could just control those extra jiggles, you would be happy. Complain often to friends about your thighs in hopes they will soothe your ego. This will work especially well when you complain to friends who are heavier than you.

Start saving money for plastic surgery. Watch Dr. 90210 and Nip/Tuck faithfully. Dream about how much happier you will be when your nose is straightened and your implants are in. When you recover from your surgery, start saving for the next. You'll be surprised to learn the elation over surgery doesn't last long. Get on a 5 year plan and schedule new procedures every year. Then you'll really feel happy!

3) New Marriage = New Happiness. Start keeping a mental list of all your Hubby's faults. Notice how the men on your favorite shows are so much nicer, more helpful and more loving. Never mind the fact that these shows are fiction, just become mildly disappointed by the Big-Lug on your ouch.

Start fantasizing about how happy you will be with someone new. Someone who doesn't have all those annoying habits. Someone who doesn't do things that annoy you just to spite you! Because you know he leaves those hairs in the sink just to make you mad.

Brush aside concerns about the children and affects of divorce in them. Tell yourself that children are marvelously adaptable, and if you are happy, they will be happy, too. Focus in on research that states a divorce is healthier for kids than growing up in a household with constant conflict. See? It's for the children!

Never mind the fact that you are starting all the conflict. That's not important. You wouldn't have to start it if he would just do what you want!

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After you master theses three skills, you will be on your way to Pop Culture Diva status. Enjoy the fall-out!

How to Ruin your Life....Britney Spears Style

Britney is our wonderful example of Fussy's continuing series, "How To Ruin Your Life."

Let's take a look at our sad train-wreck of a homegirl, Brit-Brit.

1) Always crave something new. Remember that good guys are  ~yawn~ boring! Try new things!

2) Always crave excitement. Be edgy. If it is fun, GO FOR IT! Don't let what people say hold you back from your dreams.

3.) Live for the moment. Let the chips fall where they may.

   4.)  Let yourself go. Don't let societies expectations for how you "should" look, slow you down!

5.) Do not listen to the advice of those who love you most. Also, expect people to change their ways. "The love of a good woman can change any man...." Famous Last Words....

6.) Decide your family ~yawn~ bores you. Go sow those wild oats. Don't let others judgment affect your behavior!

  7.) Take way to many drugs....Allegedly! It is ALWAYS a good idea to go drastic on a whim at the salonTattoo Parlor.

8.) Turn your back on those who love you!

9.) Decide your problems are due to outside influences that hold you back. Throw away all the things that were cramping your style.

Thanks, Brit, for allowing us to take this stroll down memory lane with you. Get to rehab, girl! Quick!