Welcome back, Fabulous Friends of Fussy!
Here is a quick list of what we have done-
- We have learned to censor ourselves, so we don't turn in to old hags.
- We have examined what our preconceived expectations of marriage were.
- We have faced the disappointment of the realities of marriage.
- We have started thinking about what makes us happy.
Whew! Last week was packed full! I received so many emails asking if we could spend more time on one of last week's topics before moving on. More conversations about our own sense of happiness and well-being was requested most of all. Let's get on it...
We can't properly rule our husbands until we are happier in our own skin!
We simply rely on our husbands for way too much emotionally. Despite what we expect from them before marriage, emotional support on a day-to-day basis is just not likely. When was the last time your hubby called a friend and said, "Hey, Jim, I've felt bummed all day. I just wanted to talk about it, and then I'll feel better." Not so much, right?
Sure, every marriage is different and your hubby could be the one that wants to be called often to discuss every thought and emotion that makes up your day. Somehow, I doubt it.
Women have always relied on each other for support and encouragement through forming strong, close-knit communities. In our generation, extended families are spread all over the country and moves due to job requirements are common. What are we to do?
The best thing to do is to set up the loving, close friendships that we need. These can fill the void left by saying goodbye to what is familiar. Do not let yourselves be stuck in the house, alone, with tiny children. Your brain will leak out of your ears.
My married life is one long example of learning how to set up these new friendships. In 10 years of marriage we have moved 8 times through 6 states. Most of these moves have been due to my hubby climbing the corperate ladder. As a shy gal by nature, who never planned on leaving my hometown, it took some adjustments! Through the years I have learned to be a shameless self-promoter. (My contests ring a bell?) I've had to go find people and say, in essence, "Let's be friends." It still terrifies me. But, I do it, anyway.
So how does a stay home mom find new friends? I found the best places are your local M.O.P.S. chapter and Women's Bible Study groups. In every city I've lived, I have found some really wonderful, lifelong friends this way. Junior League and Moms Groups- not so much. But, hey, that's just me.
Women, by nature, need a sense of community. If you do not have a strong support system, get on it!
Don't get in a contest of misery at the end of the day!
When Mr. Smartypants used to come home from work, and I had first begun to stay home with our first baby, I would start a misery contest to prove how hard I worked all day. I would tell him how exhausted, lonely, bored, busy I had been with our son. He heard the play by play of all his meals, poopy diapers, tantrums, nap issues, and every. little. thing. I wanted him to validate all I had done, and the tedious nature of it all.
Not one to be outdone, Mr. Smartypants would tell me of the crazy stories from his workday.
This would go on until we were both in this contest to prove whose day had been harder. Why? I wanted validation and for him to tell me what a great Mom I was. He, being a competitive guy, was just trying to one-up me. That's just his nature.
If I told Mr. Smartypants that my arm was sore, he would one up me. He would tell me his was hurt, too. If I told him mine was broken, he would tell me his arm was caught in a hunting trap and he had to gnaw it off like a rat to escape. I love that man.
So what would happen because of the contest of misery? I became a miserable hag, desperate for him to say, "Wow, Honey, You are the greatest. I don't know how you do it. Our son is so lucky to have you, and so am I!" After that, I would've liked some roses, massage, or a small, discreet alter made to worship me.
Much to my surprise, none of these things ever happened. Mr. Smartypants just started watching a lot of TV in the evenings. He likes to tune-out when I get grumpy.
By chance, I learned to vent all my annoyances about being alone with small, non-verbal children to my best girlfriend. She was also in the same boat. We camped out at outdoor playgrounds and Chic-fil-a playlands and let our little monkeys run wild. I learned not to burden Mr. Smartypants with every little bad thing that happened everyday.
He began to watch less TV and started complimenting me on what a wonderful job I was doing. It dawned on me that I was much happier, I could vent to my girlfriends (Because that's what we do!) and then feel better, instead of trying to prove to him how hard I had worked all day!
Go develop your own support community, Friends of Fussy! Take that pressure of your hubby, he's just not made for it!
This week your mission is to keep up the good work!
- Let hubby keep his testicles. Treat him as if he were the man you want him to be. He will, eventually, get there!
- Focus in on the beauty of your life. The everyday kisses, toasty covers on a chilly night, a cute toddler in new matchy-match PJs, and all the little things we take for granted. Gratitude is the gift you give yourself!
- Keep developing loving, supportive friendships and lose the friends who are emotional downers!
- Make some healthy changes. Go for a walk, put down the Cheetos, invest in yourself. Yes, it is a hassle, but, it you are so worth it!
- Sorry, but keep biting your tongue. Vent to your best girlfriend instead!
Missed a Week? Go & do your homework, Girl!
- The Gentle Arts Primer
- The Gentle Arts- Week 2
Love to you all, Mrs. Fussy Fussypants
Thanks to wonderful Shannon at http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/
My StumbleUpon Page
