Vacation: All I ever wanted...

Hi fabulous friends of Fussy. I am Holly from June Cleaver Nirvana. I am in way over my head here at Fussy's place but am honored to jump in and try to tread water.

Today I am talking summer vacation. Not just any summer vacation, but the obligatory car trip. Not just any obligatory car trip, but the obligatory car trip of my childhood.

My family was obsessed with the obligatory car trip. It was a well-oiled machine of efficiency. So, in the hopes of passing on some helpful information to those of you willing to fill your hybrid cars with $4/gallon gas, let me tell you how it is to be done.

There are basic rules to the family car trip. These rules are set in stone. Any deviation is strictly forbidden: I need to emphasize that you need to re-read rules #1 and #3. If you are unprepared, it could be disastrous.

Now way back in the 1970s my family had 3 options for our travel vehicle: Legend:

Vehicle A: Family car. Purple Citroen. Great looking car. Cool inside. Drives approximately 167 miles between break-downs. Looks great sitting on the side of the highway.

Vehicle B: 1969 Pontiac. Car given to my family by relative. Large car. Lots of power. Can sit approximately 12 people comfortably in the bench backseat. Reliable. Gas tank capacity rivals a tanker truck.

Vehicle C: Late 60s "conversion van" that can be borrowed from my grandparents. Has a full kitchen and bathroom. Advertised to sleep 5. Actually can sleep one comfortably (and not that comfortably). Down-side is that family has to drive to West coast to pick up vehicle.

Let's pick Vehicle B!

Now let's choose a route: Please note that all car routes require around the clock driving. Please note that all arrival times must be between 2 and 5 am because relatives that you are visiting love when a family of four rolls into their driveway in the middle of the night.

Let's drive to California!

We aren't pansy travelers. We are weathered. Experienced. Insane.

So what are we going to eat along the trip?

Howard Johnsons?

Big Boy?

Wall Drug?

Puuuuleeeeease people! You have already forgotten rules #1 and #3. Eating out requires a stop of the vehicle. Eating out costs money. And for your information, money doesn't grow on trees.

So mom is going to pack a cooler: We are ready to roll. We have filled our rectangular suitcases full of necessities and dad has placed them with precision in the trunk with skill that rivals an experienced brick layer. The trunk is full. So full that a piece of notebook paper placed on the top of the suitcases would cause the trunk to pop open. A few extra things are placed on the floor of the back seat because children don't need legroom.

In my family suitcases were NEVER tied to the roof. My dad would have seen this as a sign to the world of  his packing failure. That would be unacceptable. Let's show a little car trip pride.

Even though the backseat measures about 72 feet in width. This is necessary: And then this will happen: Again, do I need to remind you of rules #1 and #3?

This will help train your children to not drink beverages on the road. Dehydration is the goal here. And added bonus is that you don't need to provide drinks when your sandwiches are of the floating variety.

This is how you react to the crying in the backseat: To keep your children's minds off their full bladders you will need to play "I spy", license plate alphabet and punch bug until your adult mind is numbed and nodding in time to the passing lines on the road.

Don't forget we are road warriors here.

Are you ready to turn around and head back for home?

Are you considering stopping at a Wal-Mart and purchasing a portable video player?

Are you thinking of dropping the kids on the side of the highway and continuing in peace?

Please don't because this might happen: OK, not exactly this, because in the 1970s it was perfectly acceptable for children to sleep in the back window. I don't even recall our back seat sporting lap belts.

But something close to this.

A moment of complete road trip bliss when the kids are quietly listening to dad making up stories about road signs.

A moment filled with family memory magic. My favorite one is the 'Legend of Falling Rock'...

Comments

[Kim Priestap]

What a fun post! Loved the illustrations and legends. I'll be checking out your blog later today.

[Kim]

Holly! Hi! Oklahoma to Yellowstone July '75 here! Us Okies have "Do Not Drive Into Smoke" signs on our highways. ?? I used to think they were inspired by the car doors opening on our station wagon. The cigarette smoke was like a moving fog. My kids can't imagine life before gameboys and bottled water.

We roughed it...didn't we!! High Five!

[Heidi Saxton]

This is great. My family had the same no-spending-money-on-the-road-for-food rule. The only time I remember bending it a little was the year we went camping and a bear ravaged the picnic basket while we were on a hike. (Mom left it in the tent, and the happy bear tore a hole from floor to ceiling, giving us an air-conditioned place to sleep that night. We thought it was great ...)

[Michelle]

Laughing my butt off here! Hated those soggy floating sandwiches. The only thing you forgot (from our road trips) was the CB with the huge antenna strapped to the roof of the car.

[Lisa]

Hey Holly :)

I am dying here--my parerents took us on those same trips and the imaginary line of death is something to never be messed with, ever.

We do road trips now but the husband stops, everywhere. and I mean. everywhere.
It took 11 hours to get to Austin :0

[Edi]

Ummm actually that sounds like the trips we take w/our two kids. We have an obligatory car trip every yr or two to visit my family 1000 miles away. We also have taken non-obligatory family car trips and those are much more enjoyable...but we still have the same rule:

Only stop for gas and one meal (usually breakfast and one other meal is eaten from food we bring along). Bathroom stops are permitted (within reason) - but if we do stop and it's not a gas stop - we'll fill up w/gas anyway.

We used to drive through the night when the kids were babies to take advantage of them sleeping for long periods of time and thereby saving our sanity...now we could never do it without falling asleep - so we do the trip in 2 days.

[jenn]

road trips!! we actually would stop, on rare occasions, for food, at little mom and pop places. i'll always have a place in my heart for little diners. the warm, melty ice in the cooler and soggy everything always makes me gag. especially when there are fruit and vegetables in there and they are now touching the warm melty ice and now in "contact" with everything else in the cooler that the water is swelling around. yum! my dad always packed ham sandwiches and i really, really hate ham. he'd say "this is all we have, we're not rich, you know" and i'd feel guilty and have to choke down little bite by little bite and then hear about it for the rest of the trip and any other meal thereafter what a slow eater i was. boo.

[Mommy Cracked]

LMAO!!! Oh girl, your car trip reminded me so much of some of mine growing up! My personal favorite is, "If I have to stop this car and pull over...blah blah blah...". Great post! Fussy will be proud!

[Mrs. Who]

OMG, you must have been along on some of our family care trips! This is all so familiar. My dad was from Kentucky so my whole life we made car trips back to Kentucky with the obligatory no stops and the cooler sloshing with half-melted water. I was a picky eater and also got carsick, so you can imagine the enjoyment I received from these trips!

[Marcy Massura-The Glamorous Life]

You are the best. You need a book deal. or your own blog...oh-yeah you have that...okay well you need somekind of award or something...this had me peeing-my-pants laughing (hey, I had two kids!).thanks you!!!

[Elizabeth]

Four kids, mom & dad, 1967 Buick station wagon, room for three in back seat, littlest kid in between mom & dad on front bench seat...or on the floor in back...or older boy laying in the "way back" with the luggage (also packed with military precision...which I inherited), six hours from home to Grandma's, 2X/year, Every year, one stop-3 hour mark, pee now or hold it, what seat belts? Water and tunafish on rolls in the cooler, potato sticks spilled ALL OVER Dad while driving. Why did my Dad only smoke on car trips...and chose those little filtered CIGARS???????
Blessings Holly, You did a great job filling in.
Congrats Mrs. Fussypants! Keep up the good work!
Pax, EJT

[rachael]

I had the same kind of road trips growing up that you did. I'll have to ask my husband, but I'm guessing since your parents/his parents are good friends (thus probably kindred spirits) they did too.

Here is an example of creating for your kids the life you never had: Road trip in our house, circa 2008: 8 hour road trip takes 12 because of 25 stops for drinks, food, bathroom (not everyone at the same time, mind you, cause we can always stop again if the need arises), toys, leg stretching. Funny, because it is equally as excruciating as the road trips of my childhood.

[Inna]

That was great! Love the cooler picture.

[On a Limb with Claudia]

Dude, my family so did this. But of course, the "big kids" were in the front close to Mom and Dad and the "little kids" were in the way back. My Mom would read into the walky talky from the AAA book. Of course, I turned the "little kids" walky talky off. Pfft, like I was going to start listening to her! :)

We have so much in common it's scary.

Did your little brother do the "I'm not over the line" thing??

[Darla]

That is absolutely HYSTERICAL. There was no such thing as a child flying out of a window before seatbelts. ;)

[Amy]

That was great!!

My husband is from the East Coast and I'm from the West Coast....and we were talking about "slug bug" and he said, "no, it's punch bug". so, it was funny seeing you write punch bug.

Does your Mom read your blog? Did she get a laugh over this? I love the cooler pictures!
~Amy

[Heather]

What a fun post, Holly! I remember lying in the back window ledge and getting sunburn! We ALWAYS packed our food, never, EVER did we eat in a restaurant while traveling. And the "imaginary line of death" - oh yeah! It was real! I think my sister has scars to prove it!

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

You captured it perfectly Holly.

My MIL is still peeved that in 1996 I had the unmitigated, uppity gall to buy plane tickets for five of us to fly from San Diego to Fargo, ND for a wedding. The car trip thing with 3 kids under the age of 5 was just not doing it for me.

[Tanya Moyer]

Oh My Word!!! That was hilarious! I totally remember the "line of death", but try it with 3 kids. We tried to use the stitching of thelines in the seats! It was hilarious! We called it "slugga bugga"! LOVED your pictures!!!! Great post
~Tanya

[madge]

love it love it love it. BTW -- that's not the same car you had in college is it?

[HRH]

I am laughing at all the car trip memories. So silly!

And yes, THAT IS the car I took to college.

[Manic Mommy]

Every year, six hours from Boston to Bar Harbor, ME. Always left at 4:00 am. With the station wagon with the wood on the sides, you could lower all backseats and sleep on sleeping bags.

I didn't find out Dramamine made you sleepy until I was like, 18. Smart, smart Mom.

My dad smoked like a chimney. And our big, Belgian Shepherd used to drool on us for the whole trip. Good times.

[Sarah]

Yay Holly! So glad you brought your animated fare to Fussy's! Great story...and OH SO TRUE

[Jennifer H]

We rocked the cooler on car trips, too. We never stopped for food. And if we did, it was at a grocery store to buy a loaf of bread, some American cheese, and some Miracle Whip to make sandwiches (in case the floating ones ran out).

I'm considering a plexi-glass divider in our back seat. The line of death isn't working out so well.

This was hilarious, and brought back so many memories.

[Barb Szyszkiewicz]

ROFL! You just described my family's vacation, most notably New Jersey to Salt Lake City, July 1976. Stops only for gas. On the radio, practically constantly: "Teddy Bear" and "Afternoon Delight." Dad flying into a rage if one more kid orders one more hamburger in one more restaurant. We had a station wagon, though, so periodically one of us would vault over into the "way back" and make a nest among the suitcases--as close to the back window as possible.
No air conditioning, and it was July...

[The Over-Thinker]

The floating thermoses nearly made me pee my pants. But then I remembered that we only stop the car for gas so I decided not to pee my pants.

[Valarie Lea]

Oh we still have the imaginary line of death in our car. Thats why I have to have three rows of seats so we can have adequate space between all children. This so reminded me of our trip from TN to MI. That was a long long trip. I also remember sleeping in the window of our car. :)

[Kat]

This is hilarious! My bladder is aching just remembering holding it FOREVER, and yumm... nothing like soggy ham and cheese sandwiches. Thankfully nothing has been like them since!

[Roger]

We used to FIGHT for the RIGHT to sit on the back window ledge - it was the coolest! Because at night you could see the stars so much better than from the seat. Of course, I had two brothers, so there was also a fight for the floor. :)

Holly, you ROCK! (no, seriously you do)

[melissa]

Too funny!!We had the imaginary line of death also.. But I was always stuck on the floor board b/c My brothers would always stick me down there. not nice now that i think about it. We had Armadillo crossing signs. and now we take a 6 hour trip with our kids every 4 months or so.. and headed to florida in a month.. eeekkk ..pray for my sanity

[the planet of janet]

since there were four kids, the "baby" always sat in the front seat between my parents ... and the three older kids fought over who had to sit on the "bump" in the middle of the backseat.

i used to claim carsickness to get the window. heh.

[MommyTime]

We had a station wagon, so I sat in the way back amongst the cooler and suitcases and had all sorts of room to spread out. But when I was younger and we had a Buick, my dad actually made a padded bench to go in the space between the front seat and back, so that instead of us having leg room, we had a FIELD to play in back there. I remember doing somersaults in the backseat while driving down the highway! So safe. Thanks for bringing back great memories of the absurdity of childhood in the 70s.

[(another) Alison]

I had a dread of sandwiches for many years due to the floating road trip sandwiches. One time my folks took us 4 kids plus 3 neighbor kids and a dog camping in a Ford Escort station wagon, it was so crowded we were allowed to bring only the clothes we were wearing and a bathing suit.

[(another) Alison]

Great post, I always love your drawings Holly! I had a dread of sandwiches for many years due to the floating road trip sandwiches. One time my folks took us 4 kids plus 3 neighbor kids and a dog camping in a Ford Escort station wagon, it was so crowded we were allowed to bring only the clothes we were wearing and a bathing suit.

[chesca (exskindiver)]

great story holly.
you are such an entertaining writer.
i had to laugh at the imaginary line of death,
because growing up as the youngest of nine made this impossible and it made that back window shelf a regular seat out of necessity.
hahaha.

[Brenda]

This is so hilarious. I can't imagine anyone that was alive then not being able to relate!

Thankfully my parents would stop to eat. We never did the floating sandwiches. The grandmother would try to send them with us, but I think my parents must have thrown them beside the road as soon as we got out of sight because I never remember eating one of them. (Which would have been a dire punishment.)

The "line of death" in the back seat was the WORST! Being a good girl, I always kept on my side of the line. But MY little brother (who was actually bigger than me) would constantly stick his hand over until I couldn't take it anymore, then I would hit it and who was the one that got in trouble for that? Not the little impish brother!

To Jenn&JugglingLife..... WHAT??? Has SHE ever made that drive? Or drive to Fargo from ANYWHERE? What a horrible drive to put children (the parents of children) through! What's wrong with plane tickets! Now the price of gas can at least justify it.

[jill]

This was such a creative post on road trips! WoW! I read it to my hubby who is 51 - I am 48 and we got such a chuckle out of it! We have eight children now and it has been quite a while since we have done much traveling but when we had just four babies we were missionaries zig zagging across the U.S. and this brought back such memories from those days. Your thoughts on your dad packing were priceless! Your graphics were just too funny...thanks so much.

I'm smelling arm bolgna sandwhiches as I write this!

Jill

[JCK]

Aaah..yes, the back window. Those were the days. Of torture, apparently. No stops!

[Susan]

That is really a fun post! Oh yeah, no seat belts! How in the world did we make it past puberty?

[Kathy]

Ack! The Legend of Falling Rock! I remember! Our cooler of floating sandwiches sat beside the front seat in the van (mini-van variety with two bench seats). The coveted seat was the window seat because then you had control of the a.c., a place to put your head when you went to sleep, and didn't have to service the whims of the family by being cooler-minder.

[Beck]

This made me laugh so hard that I IMMIDIATELY added you to my bloglines.
My parents were HORRIBLE to take road trips with - my dad saw any cars ahead of him on the road as a personal challenge to his manhood. I have to hyperventalate now just thinking about it.

[fullheartandhands mama]

Hilarious! Fortunately for my small bladder, our road trips didn't require the 3 rules.

[EMama]

We had a van. The cooler of floaty sandwiches went between the two front seats and was a pleasant place to sit on occasion. Ready for my brilliant mom, though? She hung HAMMOCKS in the way back as we drove from Ohio to Utah. Makes me miss the 70s a little bit.

[Reluctant Housewife]

Great post! Funny and informative.

[Joanna]

Fantastic post! Really made me laugh!!!

[jenny gardiner]

OMG, Holly, you so ROCK! This cracked me up!!!

[Brea in Texas]

Well, I'm now laughing my ass off! I remember so many of these road trips, word for word. Except, my brothers and I never stretched out in the window ledge of the backseat. It was always the floor. Maybe we were just the strange family? But it wouldn't be a true Callahan road trip without at least two dogs somewhere in the mix. I'm just saying.

One thing about this road trip, mentioned above. Who in the world would pick CALIFORNIA over AUSTIN?? I mean, have you BEEN to Austin? Seriously?!?! :) :) :)

~Brea

[Angie @ Many Little Blessings]

Love this! It made me giggle the whole time!

[Manic Mommy]

LOVE THIS! I soooo remember lying on the back window.

My memory: We three children in the back gagging on the smoke from Mom's Malboro Light 100s that she continuously smoked throughout the trip from Florida to Ohio with the window cracked one quarter of one inch in order to allow fresh air into the car!!!!

And, if you all are looking to read a FABULOUS BOOK on ROAD TRIPS, check out DRIVING SIDEWAYS by one of my good friends Jess Riley! You can also enter to win a copy at my blog!

Great memories of the dreaded road trip here! Thanks for sharing! Ooh, I also remember stopping to pee on the side of the road and pissing all over my t-shirt and not having a fresh one to change into! Love the '70s!

[Jess]

I loved the drawings!!! Particularly the 'tears' in the backseat. Too cute!